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La Vita Nuova
In that book which is
My memory …
On the first page
That is the chapter when
I first met you
Appear the words …
Here begins a new life
Dante Alighieri
Sarah’s hand hovers over the words like she’s calling them off the page. “I’ll be here, Sarah. Right here,” I say.
She’s silent a moment and then says, “And hopefully, I’ll be at Mills.”
CHAPTER 49
Sarah
7:34 pm
He touches the back of my hand, like a breeze caressing a rose, but jerks away frightened when he brushes against my IV. “I’m sorry!” he blurts.
“No, it’s fine,” I say, “but you have been saying that a lot lately.”
“I’m a fool,” he whispers.
“Yeah,” I whisper back, but before he can step away, I reach out and open his fisted hand pressed to his heart. I set my fingers on his trembling ones. “It’s okay,” I say. “It’s okay.”
CHAPTER 50
Haddings
8:02 pm
I slide into my car and adjust the rearview mirror. Talking out my plans, I clarify everything. “I’ll close out this semester. After that, my master’s is on hold until I can take care of whatever debt accrues from the accident. My parents won’t mortgage their home. I’ll go full-time waiting tables and find a roommate or two to cut housing costs. It’s possible I could trade in my Mustang for something cheaper.”
I turn the key in the ignition, and the car purrs around me. “If there’s a civil suit, I’ll work longer.” I buckle my seat belt. “This is right. This is my truth. It’s not grand plans that matter; it’s the small things I will do to make this right: paying the bills, protecting you from ridiculous peers, and offering any kind of tutoring you might need.” I back up out of the parking space and drive from the garage.
“You are worth it, Sarah. Just watch me show you.”
CHAPTER 51
Sarah
8:52 pm
With Luke, Cydni, and Haddings gone and the nurses giving me a break, my folks fall asleep leaning against each other in front of the TV. I hit the mute button and gaze out the window, beyond our reflection. Stars and city lights dot the night settled on Seattle.
I click off the TV, and my eyes slowly adjust in the darkness. I inhale at the sight out the window now. The deep blue silhouette of Mt. Rainier rises on the horizon, immense and beautiful, reflecting light I can’t even see.
Emily Dickinson was right.
“Hope” is the thing with feathers —
That perches in the soul —
And sings the tune without the words —
And never stops — at all —
I click on the little bed light and pick up my poetry journal. After rereading Haddings’ poem, I turn to a fresh, clean page. Flying on the flutters of hope, I write:
I hope
I can totally forgive one day,
nothing held back
or buried out of sight;
I hope
I will heal completely, mind
and body;
I hope
I can love my family
the way they show love to me;
I hope
maybe he will be waiting,
if, and only if,
that’s what
I truly want.
PART 3
Day Three
CHAPTER 52
Sarah
8:30 am
The nurse, Kate, wheels me out of the hospital into the fresh air. In only three days, they let me go.
“It’s too soon,” Luke said.
“Modern medicine,” Dad countered.
“Less chance of infection,” Mom added.
I only want to get home. The rain pops in the puddles around our car. I pull my hood closer to my face.
At the curb, Kate puts on the wheelchair brake. I smile at the Super Grovers printed all over her scrubs. “This is a new beginning. Stay positive, Sarah.”
“I’m trying,” I say. “Could you help me, Mom?”
“Happy to.” She smiles and takes my arm. Luke takes my other one. I nose my toes down into the scary crosswalk. My legs wiggle. My ankles give out, but Cydni pulls me into the car. “Come on, bestie,” she says, and Luke lifts my feet inside.
I curl up in the moment until the shakes still. Mom reaches in and squeezes my shoulder. “You’re okay,” she says. “You’re doing great!”
Dad winks at me through the rearview mirror.
I inch over and catch my massive green face in the reflection. Sheesh. I look like Shrek. But I’m still me inside. I take another look. Yep. That’s me, no matter how hideous, or confused, or slow. Loved and loving.
The car rocks as Mom and Luke climb in. Luke squishes me up against Cydni. “Oof,” she says. I laugh at the normality, even though it hurts.
I do a measly shove back against my brother. “Be careful,” I say.
“Mom,” Luke whines. “Sarah’s on my side.”
Mom shakes her head, but she smiles wryly. “Hey, I like that hoodie on you, Sarah.”
I grin. “Thanks. Bought it myself.”
“What a perfect choice,” she adds.
“Onward!” says Dad.
Cydni reaches over and holds my hand. I lean forward and lift my face in the sun shaft slipping through the window.
A poem Haddings read in class flits into my mind. The one by Raymond Carver, and I feel joy. Really feel it.
Late Fragment
And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on earth.